Why I Don't Want to Have Coffee (With You)

Years ago, I bought stock in a company called Starbucks Coffee and walked away with $1000 in profit. It was around the same time I invested in a company called Krispy Kreme and lost about that much money, too. You may have heard of these companies; they're responsible for feeding millions of energy- and sugar-deprived Americans. It is with pleasure that I consider these corporations responsible for making our friends and neighbors the mentally-balanced and physically-fit champions that they are today.

And it's because of my unconventional perspective on American consumption and lifestyle-demolition that I won't be meeting a friend for a 32 oz. coffee or a dozen doughnuts anytime soon. The real reason, however, that I don't want to meet one-on-one with one of my classmates from middle school, high school, or college or any other long winding list of connections is due to quantitative overload.

Starbucks and Krispy Kreme have done good business at one point. I passed by a Starbucks today in the West Village of NYC and begin speaking to myself. "You don't go to Starbucks for coffee. You go to Starbucks to experience sharing a handmade custom-made beverage with complete strangers in a quant environment with modern-looking furniture. Starbucks offers a nice experience. Krispy Kreme offers a nice experience, too."

As a self-proclaimed experiential marketing specialist, I value top-notch experiences. That's why I won't be having coffee with you or anyone else. You want me to do what? Take time and make the effort to transport my body to a central, public location where consumption is king and I'm the jester? You want me to do what? Take time and make the effort to interact with you and share an intimate (although public) experience with you in a stimulating environment with revolving consumers?

There I go again. Blaming the experience we would share when the fact of the matter is very simple. In an ideal time and place, I would have the opportunity and resources to provide everyone I know and have some sort of connection with the chance to connect in person after months or years of mostly online communication. Unfortunately, I'm preoccupied in facing quantitative overload. And you know as well as I do that you're too busy, too.

It's not you, it's me. It's not that you're not important to me. You are - you always have been. Sure, we just met and I don't know your last name. Or sure, we've been connected for 10 or 20 years and I still haven't memorized your birthday. You mean the world to me. It's just that the other stuff in my life somehow seems more important.

Not to mention my consistent preference for independence, solitude, control, and silence after spending long periods of time speaking with people in person - while standing up!

I don't want to have coffee with you because I have filled my plate with responsibilities, projects, priorities, and obligations that are "conflicts of interest" when considering what we once shared. Your conflict may be high and my interest may be low, but you were a part of my life and still are and will always be apart of my life.

So, let's face it: since I'm totally booked, let's just stick to Facebook. And for the record, I don't even drink coffee. Some friend you are...