“You’re doing it wrong,” Amy said, as she backed away from me. It was my first intimate experience with a girl, and although critical, my 11-year-old girlfriend gave me another chance to kiss her.
Moments later, I must have done something right because we ended up spending the rest of that warm summer night kissing. The same goes for the rest of our summer, but we did more than just smooch. However, not surprisingly, making things out of lanyard, participating in Color War and playing in the pool during recreational swim couldn’t compare to kissing Amy.
During the past 10 years, I have gone a great distance in learning about intimacy and my fascination of “the female gender and years still tender.” I am no longer that naive 12-year-old boy who was once criticized behind a girl’s bunk at sleep-away camp.
I’m a mature college guy who knows about something that boy wouldn’t have been able to comprehend back in 1990: The Intoxication Effect. The Intoxication Effect, which is ignited by passion, is one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced.
I’ve only felt the I-Effect while kissing a few women and would do an injustice if I were to describe it as being very similar to the effects of alcohol. Frosty beverages, although delicious, have only contributed to making me feel relaxed and silly.
The Intoxication Effect is much more impressive. One great kiss can certainly be comparable to a few good drinks, but only kisses have made me feel as though I was floating off the ground. Additionally, I’ve never needed 20 bucks and ID to get high from a great kisser.
What exactly is the Intoxication Effect? I really enjoy analyzing life experiences, so when it came to answering that question, I pulled out the old notebook and jotted down a few basic thoughts.
During the few times that I experienced being intoxicated by a young woman’s kiss, three conditions existed. First, she was simply an awesome kisser. That’s a given. Second, she and I desired each other immensely, and I mean IMMENSELY. And third, it was rather late at night.
Yes, it may seem absurd, but the third condition has always existed. I even figured out that when the words “intimacy” and “exhaustion” are combined, you can spell “intoxication.”
The first two women I experienced the I-Effect with were blonde, so “blonde-haired women” was an additional factor that I considered including in my analysis, but I fortunately went on to prove that theory wrong.
I did this by discovering that the main ingredient in the I-Effect wasn’t hair color, but emotions. It was the strong feelings I had for the women with whom I experienced the Intoxication Effect that contributed to creating those natural highs.
Let me give you a personal description of the Intoxication Effect. The last time I experienced it, I actually wrote the following in my journal:
“Intoxication, her kisses, her passion, her presence. Only she and I existed during those strong moments; speed variation, pressure, compatible kissing techniques, her touch, smell, taste, sound, her face, her body; I was weak, but strengthened; disoriented; speech difficulties, the looks she gave me ...”
Now that’s some powerful stuff. I’ve never written anything like that about alcoholic intoxication. The closest I’ve come to it, though, was: “I began to feel a little nauseous, and my speech wasn’t great.”
Kissing a woman has never made me feel sick, and nine times out of 10 I’d prefer to kiss than drink, so I would rank drinking alcohol pretty low compared to kissing women. The combination, however, could prove interesting if both activities were experienced simultaneously and in moderation, but I’ve never tried that experiment, since I’d probably spill my drink.
Another benefit of the Intoxication Effect compared to being inebriated by alcohol is that even an excess of fabulous kisses won’t change my level of tolerance. That is, unless I form a real distaste for the woman I’m kissing, and if that were to happen, I would no longer experience the I-Effect anyway.
If kissing a woman, which is the basis of a physically intimate relationship, is not extremely satisfying, I highly doubt that our relationship will last very long. Staying in such an unsatisfactory situation would be what my dad once called “settling,” so the relationship would have to end.
Someone out there may think this theory is nonsense and that the relationship could somehow be salvaged, but I’ve learned that the basis for healthy, natural relationships is chemistry. And if kissing (without the aid of how-to videos) isn’t deeply pleasurable from the start, someone is trying to make something out of nothing.
So, if over a reasonable period of time, say a few weeks, the simple act of kissing doesn’t feel really good, be prepared to kiss your partner good-bye.
I was never a Boy Scout, but I follow the motto, “Be prepared.” That’s why I evaluated the Intoxication Effect. I wanted to both understand why I can feel intoxicated with certain women as well as to figure out how I can reach that level of satisfaction each time we kiss.
Have you ever seen those cute promotional graduation buttons that read, “Kiss me, I’m a senior?” Well ladies, I’m a senior, but if you’re going to kiss me, you’d better do it right.
Jared Meyer is a senior finance major. His column runs alternate Fridays. He can be reached at jmmeyer@wam.umd.edu.
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